We Survive

For the all the broken, lonely hearts out there struggling against the shadows' chains.

     

We Survive

      Tired words formed against her tongue. Bitter, like mama's herbs. Her lips were pressed tightly together; the words were too weary to escape their prison. She knew that if she let those words drip from her mouth as they longed to, they would fall upon her listeners ears, sour, dry, disgusting - like herbs. She knew also that they might slowly heal the pulsing wound on her heart that she wrapped so tightly with half-lies. She could barely hope for that though. Hope was scare in those days and she hardly dared to spend it on something so painfully precarious. Because of this and because she was afraid, she kept quiet, watching the darkness settle around her. It took root in her silence, her lies, memories, her pain, her aloneness. As she watched  it stole pieces of her courage, a small price to hide the blood that soaked her hands.

      She lived this way for a very long time. The shadows taught her how cover the deceit in her eyes with well-timed smiles. They taught her how to remain unnoticed in a crowd of people, they taught her to absorb everything she saw and heard and how to leave when danger showed its face. The darkness taught her many things, and it took many things from her in return. There was one thing that she refused to give them, those words that still weighed against her tongue, smoldering gently like ashes. The shadows punished her for this, they attacked her and made her believe terrible things about herself, but still she would not give up her words. Time shuffled onward and she learned she could disguise those words in other words so they were not so bitter and the shadows did not know they were slipping past, written on the pages they had taught her to stain with blood and inky falsehoods.

     One day she shared one single such page, lined with a few of her disguised words with another girl she knew was trapped by shadows. The other girl's eyes screamed the tears that refused to fall. That day, both of them felt something that they had not felt in a long time-- relief from their aloneness. Because of the understanding that they shared some of the shadows had to leave. These were the shadows that only formed when one believed they were forever alone in their hopelessness. The other shadows grew angry with their hostages, afraid of being sent away too. They coiled around the girls' hearts tightly, hoping that by forcing them to just survive they would forget about each other and the bond they shared.

      Every day was struggle. Every morning that they awoke was both a blessing and a curse.
They reminded each other of their hope every day, whispering cleverly disguised words to heal each other’s constant loneliness. They began to fend off the darkness by wielding the words they refused to give up. Often times all they could do was survive, but they found that by surviving together the shadows weren't as dark, the days were not as hard and the loneliness wasn't as sharp as it was before.

Impostor

Credit

Impostor,

Impostor

Face of the weak,

You’re hiding behind

These words so sweet.

Liar,

Liar,

Tongue of deceit

You control these castles

You can’t defeat.

Impostor,
Impostor

You’re all the same

You wear different faces

But can’t change your name.

Liar,

Liar,

Look in my eyes,

These falsehoods

Are going to eat you alive,

Impostor,

Impostor,

Playing your game,

Your mask will be broken

Before you find fame.

Liar,

Liar,

Didn’t they say?

“Don’t play with fire

It’ll burn you one day”

Impostor,

Impostor,

Shattered tonight,

Take off this face

Pretend you’re all right.

Liar,

Liar,

Caught in your lore

Don't you know

Who you are anymore?

Impostor,

Impostor,

You’ve been someone else

Too long, you don’t know

What to be when it melts.

Liar,

Liar,

You had us all fooled

Like puppets we danced

We were the subjects you ruled.

Impostor,

Impostor,

I know who you are,

When I look inside,

I find you’re not far.

Liar,

Liar,

Singed and battered,

Give up this falsehood

Before life is scattered.

Impostor,

Impostor,

Set aside the mask

Start it on fire,

This your last.

Liar,

Liar,

Facing your court,

This is one battle

You cannot abort.

Impostor,

Impostor,

You’re the liar,

I know.

Drop the matches,

Close the lid,

Your life is caught,

In the pyre. 

Nightmares

Breathe now little child,
morning is on its way.
The nightmares won't last
and shadows won't always play
beneath your eyelids.

Be brave now little child,
your innocence guarded.
The dark ones have come
to steal your future and
feed you their lies.

Wake now little child,
sunlight tiptoes in
from under curtains
and slumbering glens,
seeking to warm your fingers.

Sing now little child,
the rain has come to
mend your wearied heart
and wash away
your hardened tears.

Take heart little child,
for I have felt your pain.
Your cries have been heard,
I know the darkness
that hunts you tonight.

Arise now little child
and become all that
you dreamed of.
There's strength left
inside of you yet.

Hold on little child,
to the hope you
remember fighting for.
There's life behind
your smile yet.

Fight now little child,
against the deceit
you once knew as truth.
They were wrong
when they said

you could never be
loved.

Siren Song

Huddle beneath

Frostbitten shadows,

Tip-toe away from

Moonlight’s fingertips.

Wander from dream

To darkened nightmare,

Humming your

Lonely siren song.

Search every mind,

Touch every soul

Is there a place

You can call home?

Float in the wisps

Of a clouded night sky

Fall in the drops

Of rainstorm’s delight.

Settle on pages

Stained with ink,

Jot in your riddles

For the world to see.

Search every mind,

Touch every soul

Is there a place

You can call home?

Taste the sweetness

Of the morning dew

Smell the warmth

Of summer’s dawn

Swim in the coolness

Of the awakening sea,

Watch the creatures

That live there and breathe.

Search every mind,

Touch every soul,

Is there a place

You can call home?

Climb onto shelves

Tarnished by time,

Let the pages whisper

Your heart to sleep.

“Gentle rush of silent waves,

Cover this weary soul today.

Peace and rest are upon

You at last, while the softest

Sunlight warms your lips.

Tired and burdened,

Lay down your head.

Receive this dream and

Painless forget. Eternal sleep,

Welcome this child,

Welcome this child Home.”

*Well it's been quite a while since I blogged, hopefully I'll be doing more now. That's the plan anyways. :P

Chapter One

Several people have asked to read this, so here it is. Sorry for my  long absence. :)

 

 

 

Chapter One:

 I drew on the strength of the thick nighttime shadows, and they embraced my body, shrouding me from sight as I regarded my target. He knelt on the edge of the riverbank and pressed a cylinder into the mire just above the water. A lantern cast a halo of light at his feet, though it did not reach into the woods. The man eased up to his feet with a grunt.

"I ‘spose I should tell ya what it is that boy wanted me to tell ya." He said.

I furrowed my brow and gripped my bow, the darkness condensed around me, responding to my emotion.

"Course, if ya ain’t there, I sure look foolish doin’ this." The man chuckled. After a moment he turned, squinting into the sky. "But no, yer there, it’s much too dark a night for this time a year. Them shades like to hang about you Echoes."

Nocking an arrow, I lifted my bow and the shadows spread out around me, spilling like ink over paper. The lantern hissed out, and clouds swung over the moon, leaving the forest in utter blackness. As I drew my bow, the leaves rustled overhead, seeming to shiver with anticipation.

"I’m ready to die now - don’ got no one left in this life to live for anyway. Jus’ hear me out, your brother is sorry fer leavin’ ya, he left you a message in that tube, didn't want no one else to hear it."

I released the arrow and waited for the satisfaction of the kill as he collapsed. Instead, the thought that Calanon was actually sorry for leaving wedged into my mind like a thorn. My throat constricted, and I forced the thought away. Cal should have thought about being sorry before he ran away.

I strode to my target and knelt at his shoulders. "Poor old man," I whispered, brushing my fingertips over his forehead, "too bad I’m smarter than you. Your death yielded no gain." Using my dagger, I sliced the familiar words into the moist earth: Beware the Echo of your treachery. I stood and moved around his body, feeling along the riverbank for the capsule. Mud caked my hand and arm, while roots stabbed me. I found an opening in the dirt and dug into it with my fingers. I pried the tube out and dipped it into the water to rinse it and myself of the grime. After drying it on the inside of my cloak, I opened it and slid a roll of paper out. Reading it as I walked, I started towards where I left my horse.

Adi,

If you are reading this that means you are beginning to see what caused me leave the city those seven years ago(I’m certain the rule about bringing messages passed between Exiles to your Mentor without reading them has stayed the same). The government is flawed, the people are dying because of the Council… but that is not what I wrote to say. I truly am sorry. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could go back and change that night, change the fact that I left you there. Please, come to the camp, and then you can see why I had to leave, why I couldn’t stay and watch Kieran,I could never call him Father now, destroy the people he taught me to lead… and perhaps you could forgive me? I love you, my dear Adi. Think about it.
Cal. Anger bubbled deep within me. How dare he assume that I could forgive his fox-hearted deeds, how dare he assume to know me! I shoved the note back in the tube and placed it in my pouch. Loping the rest of the way to my horse, I determined to put it out of my mind. When I neared Tempest, he snorted. I blew on his nose in greeting and mounted. Turning him deeper into the woods, I tried to banish his words from my mind, but what if he truly wished he had taken me with? I decided to take the long way back to our camp. The twins would have to be patient; it would not do them any harm to wait a bit longer.

Before long, I had relaxed enough that the sounds of the night creatures returned, and the shadows had become less murky. Moon light sifted down through trees, dappling the ground. A breath of wind stirred the foliage and lifted a layer of leaves from earth, then let them flutter back down. Smoke rose in ivory tendrils from the crackling embers of my teammates’ fire. "Look who’s here at long last," Neil said, "Our very own Adira. We were starting to think you slipped up and let that old fox put you out. Weren’t we Nolan?"

Ignoring Neil, Nolan lifted a log onto the fire and blew on the ashes until flames flickered up.

I hissed through my teeth, dismounted and tied back Tempest’s reigns. Nolan nodded a greeting and handed me a plate of food. The scent of fresh game wafted up and I breathed it in.

Neil narrowed his eyes, "weren’t we Nolan?"

Nolan shrugged, "Maybe you were,"

I smirked and began to eat. Neil’s eyes burned with fury and the shadows around him contracted guarding his form from the untrained eye. "You!" he growled, "the both of you are just wimps!"

I rolled my eyes, "Would we be anything else to you?"

"Adira, you, you," his nose flared as he seemed to grope for the best insult possible, "with your betraying, lying, filthy, fox of brother, you’re just a wretched—"

Nolan stood, quivering with contained anger, "That’s enough Neil."

"-Selfish, fox-hearted, weak, little daddy’s girl."

I sprang up, darkness roiling around me. "You had better take that back!"

"Now, why would I do that?" he mocked.

I let out a growl and jumped on him, pinning him to the ground. He kneed me in the stomach, rolling me onto the ground. I swung my legs around and swept his feet out from under him. Jumping on his back, I twisted his wrists behind him and gathered all blackness of the night I could muster, pulling on the hate of all the past things he had said against me. As the shadows lent me their strength, their own bitterness, I felt the power well up within me. The fire hissed out, and moonlight disappeared. It overpowered everything around me, taking the energy of the light and feeding it to me.

"Adira, stop, you’re going to kill him!" Nolan shouted.

"Not until he takes it back."

"All right, all right, you’re not fox-hearted, you’re not weak!" he choked.

"And don’t you ever forget it again." I pressed my knee into his back for good measure, then released him and sat by the now dead fire, still seething.

He lay on his back gasping, "You’re crazy girl."

I stared into the trees, blinking back my frustration. I forced myself to take a deep breath and let it our slowly. Moon light sifted down through the treetops. Nolan grimaced and settled next to me again. He offered me a smile and my now cold food. I looked into his concerned face, and then turned away. He was so readable.

"Nolan, you have first watch, Neil, second, I will take last. We move at dawn," They both nodded and Nolan packed away the food. Sleep found me quickly. It seeped into my mind and carried with it a dream, a memory that I had forgotten and did not wish to remember.

***

Shadows streaked the walls, they shifted as I approached, seeming to reach for me. Hesitant, I paused before the door.

"They are responding to you. They are bound to you; use them to your advantage. Also, remember what you have come for. Find out if she is a traitor, you have been trained in what to do if she is." My mentor whispered from behind me.

I nodded, forcing my fingers to turn the knob, and stepped in. Mykal knelt in the window seat, her back to me. In one hand she held a ragged stuffed bear, the last piece of her childhood she could hold onto. Her other hand pressed against the glass, her breath fogging it so that the forest outside the academy walls seemed even more haunted than usual.

The floorboards whined as I walked towards her. My friend dropped the bear and turned to face me, her shoulders relaxed when she saw that it was me. Weakling! She didn’t even hear me coming.

"Adi, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to talk to you; I think I’ve figured out why Calanon and Rylan left. I found this paper that seems to be a map. It was inside of Dusty." She lifted the bear and gently probed into a rip on the toy’s side, coming out with a folded piece of paper. "Maybe it’ll show us how to get to where they –"

"It’s true then," my voice seemed distant, "You would betray the Council for a couple foxes" I interrupted.

"What?" Mykal whispered, her blue eyes widening in pained disbelief. "I thought-don’t you want to see Calanon again?"

"Of course I do,"

She let out her breath and smiled again.

"So that I can avenge the Council for his blasphemy," I hissed, reaching under my cloak to loosen my dagger.

"Adira, I don’t understand, we were always going to find them…" her voice trailed off and tears rimmed her eyes. "Remember how we promised not to let them go without a goodbye?"

"Yes, I plan to say goodbye, after I hand them over to the Council. If you have any other intentions then you’re-" I faltered, my voice suddenly weak, and swallowed my own tears, "you’re a traitor too,"

"I could never turn Rylan or Cal in." She began to cry, "I thought you were the same. I trusted you!"

"I trusted you too," I grit my teeth, "I thought you would hold true to the Council, serve them, I guess we were both wrong about each other." I drew my dagger.

"No, no," she shook her head while backing away from me.

"I’m sorry dear friend, you brought this upon yourself. The Country can not afford to have a soldier who would dessert just to see her fox of a brother again." I strode up to her, forcing her backwards until she fell onto the window seat. I stabbed my blade into her neck. She gave a sharp cry, gasped and slumped to ground. The lifeblood of my closest friend stained my hands. My fingers released the knife and it fell, thudding hollowly in the still air. I dropped to my knees beside her, pressing my palms into the hard wood. My hair slid over my face, veiling the tears that streamed down my cheeks. I let out my breath and gasped in lungful of burning air. A hand clasped my shoulder. I bit my lips together, trying to stop the entourage of pain. My chest heaved and a choked sob broke through my defenses.

"Come now, child. You did the right thing; this is for the good of the Council."

I coughed on the lump that crawled up my throat. I sucked in air through my teeth and whimpered.

"You must never allow someone to get so close to you again. It won’t ever be this hard to do what you are called to do. Most of all you must never, never underestimate yourself. If you could take care of this deceiver, you can take on any of them. Keiran will be proud."

I breathed through my mouth, stifling the tears. Vassander squeezed my shoulder. I lifted my chin and retrieved my dagger.

"Clean it,"

I wiped it on the hem of the girl’s tunic.

"The words,"

Gripping the hilt, I moved around to her head and carved the well rehearsed line into the floor. Beware the Echo of your treachery.

Who am I?

Another poem for you. An idea that has been on my mind for a while.


I am,
A fish out of water,
dying on dry land.
Let me,
live beneath the waves,
in the dark, the cold.
I am,
soothed by the motion,
comforted by the sea.
Let me,
live hidden in the depths,
in a dream, a home I created.
I am,
but a child, awed by ghosts
And monster that lurk in caves.
Let me,
live among them and scribe
All their ways for you to find.
I am,
floating in serenity,
soaking in blissful ignorance.
Let me,
live here in this place unknown,
in the cloaked safety of sleep.
I am,
a memory you can't forget,
fading to an image of hope.
Let me,
live, tucked in your pocket,
close to heart, far from mind.
I am
watching in contentment,
waiting in unbroken silence.
Let me,
live on in your thoughts, actions,
never to die alone.
I am,
an illusion, a reality
you created to evade
who I am.

If I Could Live the Way I Wanted





Sorry for not posting in such a long while. I've been busy. I got a job and have been trying to keep up on school and just haven't been doing much writing in general. So. All I have for you today is a poem. Hope you enjoy it. :)

If I could live the way I wanted,

I would scribble poems on walls

And draw pictures in the frosted windows.

Dark curtains would seal my mind

And only the music would witness my creations.

I would stay awake until the stars faded

And sleep until the sun was overhead.

Every raindrop would contain a story

And I would collect them in teacups to keep me warm.

I would lose myself in cultures of my own invention

And my characters would be real.

Colored pens would overflow from canning jars

And pencil pockets, ready and waiting for every idea.

I would never cease to search for new stories,

And revisit old ones with fresh eyes.

I would visit the hunched walls of timeless ages

And give voice to all the things they observed.

Cloudy days would mean hours of discovering

New worlds through musty pages that smell of ink.

Drawings would hang from walls like portals

And I would gaze at them for hours on end.

I would sit near the street to watch people go by

And catch words like snowflakes on my tongue.

The piano would hold me close on stormy days

And hum lullabies in my ear when sleep refuses me.

I would paint murals in my bedroom to inspire smiles

And bright days that warm chilled fingers with gentle love.

Lifelong dreams would become reality

And hopes would never be crushed.

If I could live the way I wanted

my  words would last for ages.